Sleeping with deities

Long time no quotes kids!

This one happened a while back but we were just re-laughing about it yesterday so here ya go...

The bed in our guestroom is really really comfortable. Everyone says so! But one friend, Pete, came skipping downstairs in the morning proclaiming his good night's sleep so enthusiastically we're still talking about it months later...

"It was like sleeping in the hand of Jesus!"

Labor 2008

We have a whole wall in the war room (campaign command center...we weren't actually AT war) filled with quotes that will mean nothing to most people. But I thought I would pass this one along.

Some of the progressive crew who work out of our office were having a pot luck. My team and I were in the training room late one night stuffing envelopes and getting punchy when we happened to notice the board listing what people were bringing. It went something like this:

Joe - beet salad
Sally - tofu scramble
John - vegetable soup
etc, etc.

At the bottom was printed:

Brian - something random.

Mai turned to the rest of us and said "Oh my god. 'Something random' is the best thing on the menu!"

Poop talk at the table

"It's good,
It's nice,
It's interesting!"

~ Kerry on colonic irrigation

"And no one can say you're full of shit!"

~Steve is quick with the witty repartee

Well it's just not proper dinner conversation until someone brings up poop now is it?

7 Habits of Highly Effective Quotes

I have this friend, we'll call him Liam (because that's his name), who really really like those self-help, get ahead in business type books. He is especially fond of all things Stephen Covey (who wrote that 7 habits book).

Anyhoo, I got sent on a fancy schmancy training course for work about all that and Liam was so jealous. We spent a good 2 hours discussing it in a bar one night (ok trying to name all 7 in a bar one night) and then trying to explain it to others yeilding this quote:

"Stephen Covey must have unwittingly spawned a lot of suicide bombers!"

~ Liam on Habit 1: Being Proactive

Another Quotable Night at Marcia's House

I spent Saturday evening with Jen at her sister's house. This time, the quote book was a paper towel. There are some that will remain on the paper towel to protect the innocent...but a few of the suitable for public consumption quotes follow below:

* Of course, once people know the quote book is out, they are always trying to be quotable. TJ kept saying "write that down" after things he, himself, had said. This led me to remind him of the basic tenet of The Quote Book":

If you try to get on it, it's never gonna happen.

* At one point in the evening, TJ and Paul were commenting on the fact that Renee and I were drinking water. We were intermixing water and beer like the good, professionals that we are. It led us into the conversation about being properly hydrated. Paul said he drinks a Costco sized bottle of water on the way to work and Renee wondered if that was everyday or just after late night drinking, prompting this excellent rookie quote from Paul:

Hangover days? On hangover days I don't even piss until 5 PM.

* Jen's sister Cindi was the second one to bed but for some reason she wouldn't quite go to sleep. Given the mass amounts of vodka consumed, we found this to be rather remarkable. Jen -ever the nurturing caregiver, kept going up to check on her prompting this classic exchange between Renee and TJ:

Renee: Where's Jen?
TJ: She's putting Cindi to bed.
Renee: Still? Damn. Can't she just hit her over the head with something?

Wedding Quote

I went to a friend's wedding this weekend. All very lovely. I was chatting with some women I used to work with - both my age-ish, married with kids.

Also both with lovely, pale, Irish, bright-red-sun-burn-after-3-minutes-outside type skin. After a few drinks one of them turned to me and said:

Seriously, screw love and money. Marry for melanin.

I need to get some older friends

So - I have these 26 year olds that I hang out with quite a bit. Both lovely gents and I have fun with them and, most of the time, we're on the same wavelength. But Saturday night we're out and I had one of those moments where I felt like I was babysitting.

They were arguing about something and then (and I kid you not) started slapping each other upside the head across the table and tapping each other's beer to make it foam over. I was in the middle and finally had to put my arms out and stop them.

At which point I uttered what Ted (one of the aforementioned 26 year olds) determined should be a someecard:

After the pre-teen fighting stopped I looked at them and said :

"I gotta go. I need to get up early tomorrow to reevaluate my life."

* Cross posted at ProcrastiNation

Grown up dinner party quotes

Had a little dinner do the other night at ours which produced some memorable moments. I had the pleasure of introducing whiskey sours a la healy to a whole new continent of whinorhinos and after a few batches of those, a shed-load of wine and a loverly feast, the party games commenced!

“I am an implied male?"

We were playing that game where you have to guess who you are (you have a sticker on your head with a famous name on it)...
Joe was E.T.

“Jesus Christ!”

Steve actually was labeled Jesus Christ but he said this in frustration with our vague answers to questions such as ‘Am I a fictional character?’ and ‘Am I dead?’ I was gonna give it to him after I recovered from laughing but we played on.
But the funniest things always come out of Colleen for some reason...she was explaining that although she is a programmer and computery work person she is crap at actually using them.

“I can’t work the damn things at all, I just programme the belly of the beast”
“So you don’t talk to the beast?”
“No, I am the beast”

Yes colleen, you are the beast, but you are allergic to all types of fur...

“001101011001101...It’s a joke in binary!”
“You told it wrong!”

Computer dorks having a laugh. There’s always two of ‘em in a crowd...

The Secret Life of Girls

Last Friday, I went to dinner with Jenny E, LCP, LCP’s hot mom friend MacKenzie, LCP’s cousin Holland, LCP’s college buddy Tracey.

We went to Mirror for some tapas and wine. We chatted about men, children, pets, work, waxing, general genital grooming and anal bleaching.

I have two really good quotes that I need to share. Cross-post on Emotional Mullet.

LCP will correct me, but I think it was MacKenzie who was having a hard time understanding the purpose and outcome of anal bleaching.

Sensing that we needed a bit more explanation, I said,

“It is like Visine for the brown eye.”

And another …

MacKenzie, a hot-mom like LCP, was relating the troubles and issues she had with general genital grooming during and after pregnancy.*

She said,

“It was like Gorillas In The Mist. I was all Jane Goodall down there.”



*I believe this is a reference to how one must prioritze with a newborn.

Co-worker Quote

For this to make sense you need to know that there is a comedy show in NI called Give my Head Peace about the protestant/catholic divide. You also need to know that the speaker's mother is big into alternative healing and therapy and tries to force this way of life on others. When asked for the 5000th time to partake in reiki healing or some such, her daughter finally exploded with

"Give my aura peace!"

Well I thought it was funny, especially since they are both Croatian...

When the wife's away...

Packing is stressful. Unpacking is a pain. Colleen likes to leave her suitcase on the floor for several weeks until I give in and do it for her. But this time after our xmas trip to DC, she unpacked most of it right away, but not quite all of her bad habits have been cured by my incessant nagging. She sill disrobes at night by dropping everything where she stands, leaving me to compare her upbringing to that of a barnyard animal.

Last night I had occasion to ask what the house would look like I wasn't here to nag and force her to unpack and put things away etc. This was the answer I kind of expected:

"Remember those three months you were in America? I lived like a monkey, flinging my shit and bras."

I laughed so hard my ribs hurt. Needless to say the suitcase is still on the floor with some monkey shit in it.

Parent Quote

Its a different generation people, it really is. Us kids today (yes I know how old I am) took those drunk driving commercials and the 17 kids that died in our high school from it fairly seriously.

Colleen in particular won't drive if she's even touched the booze. But not my dad, he's probably better at most things slightly drunk anyway. It has always bothered Colleen that he'll think nothing of driving home after things like New Years Eve etc... and she said so at one point in the car with him which produced this great line:

"If you're not nervous when I'm driving, YOU'RE the one who's drunk!" ~ my dad

so proud...

The Quote Plate

The following quotes come from a grand whinorhino reunion in a house on the outskirts of Baltimore. There were asssorted rhinos, dogs, relatives and a bottle of "holiday vodka". I'll do my best to present the scribblings in a paper plate that were our best record of the night...I hope the other participants will add their own addled memories.

The quote that necesitated finding a pen in the first place:

"It smells like puke; not just daily puke, but puke that sat about a bit." - Colleen describing her visit to the Glenfidditch distillery. Yum...

"How do you spell smell?" - Liz while trying to write the first quote down.

"Why is the Absolute label red?" "It must be a holidy bottle."

- oh no, in fact it is the red label Absolute that denotes 100 proof vodka. Damn, that explains alot.

"I'm not going to get anything right and my self esteem is going to plummett."

- Liz as we embarked on a round of "Are you smarter than a 5th grader"

"Don't put the salsa on the quote book!" - well it was a plate afterall...

Oh there were many many more, but as you can imagine after some holiday vodka things got a little blurry. I'll leave you with photo evidence:

(even the wall paper had a wee drink)

Domestic Bliss

"I was just trying to be nice to you, and now I've got meat down my boobs!"

It's probably funnier if I don't explain it...but basically Colleen and I were annoyed with each other while making spaghetti last night (because mortgage interest rates went up - how old are we!) and so logically, she decided to feed me some sauce off the spoon. I was about to say something snarky about how I didn't want to be fed off the giant stirring spoon, but I decided to try and reconcile so I open my mouth and... she missed - big blob of meat sauce straight down the cleavage...

Party Preparation

While getting dressed in our formal wear for a very formal dinner party thrown by the aforementioned Kerry this past weekend, I wondered aloud if my elastic hold up stockings were a step too far sexy-wise, then reasoned no one would see them unless, of course, I fell down - when Colleen came out with this one:

"At Kerry's parties you're only ever two steps away from an orgy anyway"

So true. An orgy or a bacchanalia I suppose...

Movie quote

I watched a truly not good movie called Bottle Rocket staring both Luke and Owen Wilson about a guy who checks out of a mental institute to go into a life of crime with his much more insane friend. As I said, it was not good but it had some good lines... my favourite:

"Your 75 year plan is not working"

I feel that way today...

Am I the only one talking to people?

Come on ladies - you need to hit me with some quotes or I will continue to put up increasingly crazy quotes until you're forced to ostracize me from our online only community.

So, last night I was out with Aimee and two of my young male friends. We were drinking a lot and, for some reason, doing a lot of "roundtable" discussion type things...like we were going around the table and talking about our personal relationship dealbreakers. [More on this at ProcrastiNation...].

Anyway - Boy #1 was coming out with outrageous comment after outrageous comment. He's packed a lot of life into 25 years...At one point he said he was once with someone who had eyes tatooed on her breasts. Like she had a huge face tatooed on her chest and the nipples were the eyes.

[Really...I couldn't make this stuff up.]

It's a little fuzzy but I think I asked about breastfeeding and Aimee said that it would be like her breasts were crying.

Flash forward to the Dive Bar a few hours later where Boy #1 and Aimee were playing with a letter board and making random phrases. Aimee makes the quote book here with her excellent use of symbols in placing the following on the board:

Boob tears are $

I really hope it's still there and inspires all sorts of conversations about what it could possibly mean.

And I REALLY hope someone with eyes tatooed on her breasts sees it...

Inappropriate - yet oddly inviting

I'm on the bus to DC with some people I barely know - one of whom I fancy a little bit.* We're all totally goofing on the man I fancy all day about a bunch of shit. At some point, I move to let him off the hook on a small matter and another guy turns to me and says:

"Don't let him go! You have to get on him, and stay on him, and ride him till he sweats."

Oh.

My.

Cuz. That's totally what I was thinking...

* See post below in which he's referred to as "one of my crushes."

Another One

From one of my crushes:

"I hate when I have to play peacemaker between the voices in my head."

Which of course makes us perfect for each other as my most notable quote in recent memory was when I made reference to the fact that I'm glad the voices in my head don't ask me to do anything expensive.

Is there a bathroom up front?

I was with a friend at a progressive happy hour last night - not progressive in the sense that you move from place to place but progressive in the sense that a lot of non-profit, activist types attend.

Anyway - so my colleague was chatting up a handsome pilot. He was sharing his knowledge of beers, they were talking away, it all pointed to a love connection.

We're getting ready to leave and he goes to the bathroom. He comes back, we're paying our bill, he says "I'll meet you up front".

We make our way up front. No pilot.

We go outside thinking he meant all the way up front. No pilot.

She goes back in (twice) to make sure we didn't miss him. No pilot.

Her comment?

"Well, I guess an unfortunate attack of colitis has messed up my sex life again."

Awesome. I didn't ask about the "again" part since we're fairly new colleagues. I'll get to that some other time.